Please welcome social satirist, Charles Ruhe, for the first of what I hope will not be his last posting for DDTT.
Ladies and gentlemen, my American friends;
On behalf of all the media conglomerates, I come to beg you to watch the incipient royal wedding. Honestly, we’ve invested so many resources—you think satellite trucks grow on trees?—to present this theoretically historic event live, world-wide.
It was going to be just like the last one, when we managed to convince the consuming public that the bride’s apparent virginity made the occasion remarkable. Of course, the poor girl was eventually hounded to her death by the press, following a notably unhappy marriage, but… sorry, I digress.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll have pageantry! Pomp! Circumstance! How could you possibly remain blasé? We promised our advertisers!
Still not convinced? Friends, I have been authorized to make this offer: We’ll pay you to watch. Anyone tuning in for the live broadcast of the royal wedding will be eligible to receive a special iTunes gift card, good for downloading any current BBC America series. That’s an entire season of Dr. Who, Absolutely Fabulous or Antiques Roadshow, for viewing just two consecutive hours of our coverage of the royal wedding. And that’s not all! If you act today, we’ll include a special bonus episode of The Graham Norton Show.
Call now, 1-800-555-4321, or visit our website, http://www.itsbritdamnit.uk. It’s a royal wedding! Get your Anglophile on! Watch and earn!
–Charles Ruhe will write for food.